Artemis Fowl: Adventures in Thermite
by ktd176
Summary: Set after the third book, Artemis's life up to date! Artemis Fowl loses at chess, an evil scheme to rule the world, and Artemis's pet cat eats thermite....
1. Artemis Fowl: Adventures in Thermite

Artemis Fowl: Adventures in Thermite  
  
by undisclosed and someone other than keyne89 (because I'm beginning to hate that name)  
  
AND IT ALL FALLS APART  
  
It was just another day for the genius Artemis Fowl. Another day of reclaiming the family fortune, creating new and devious plots, and perhaps a little bit of Pinky and the Brainism with his daily dose of conquering the world. This was the beginning, of course how could Artemis know that his life was about to change forever... again...   
  
Of course, let's not pay attention to those little details. Currently, our brave and (intrepid?) hero Artemis is playing the wondrous game of (DUM DUM DUM!) chess against the ever mindful Domovoi Butler! ...  
  
There are ten seconds on the clock. Artemis Fowl moves his knight, hoping to catch the enemy king in checkmate! Yes, Artemis fowl is a genius, he wouldn't have to hope, he'd know exactly what he was doing... Of course, have we ever actually seen... er... read about him playing chess? Anyway...  
  
He moves to the left, he moves to the right, and...  
  
"CHECKMATE!!!" Artemis screams, jumping for joy and prancing around like an insane dust bunny who has absolutely no clue as to where he's going... (Dude, do dust bunnies prance??? *asking in a valley girl tone of course)... Suddenly he realizes the long forbidden truth.  
  
"I'M THE BLACK PIECES!!! WHAT THE #$%#$% IS UP WITH THAT??? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I WAS PLAYING WITH THE WRONG PIECES???"   
  
"You mean I'm the white pieces?"   
  
(Butler: *blink blink*)  
  
"I've lost... How could I lose??? Oh sh-(HEY!!! THIS FANFIC IS CENSORED!) ... well NERTS!!"  
  
(NERTS: an expression of anger and frustration...)  
  
"Arty, it-" Butler began, but he quickly stopped when Artemis looked at him with wide shocked eyes.  
  
"Arty, what is it?"  
  
"Woah, this is weird. You just called me Arty."  
  
*AFTER THE LONG DISCUSSION ARTEMIS HAS HAD WITH BUTLER ABOUT HOW BUTLER CALLING HIM ARTY SERIOUSLY CREEPS HIM OUT*  
  
"DUDE! The new issue of playboy is out!" Artemis exclaimed as he went to open-  
  
*FANFIC MESSED UP DUE TO CAST & CREW DIFFICULTIES - ARTEMIS CLOSE THE FRICKIN' MAGAZINE!!! WHERE THE HECK D'YA GET THAT LOUSY THING ANYWAYS??? .... authoress will proceed to strangle her older brother with a wet noodle after the fanfic is finished...*  
  
Artemis Fowl sat semi-peacefully meditating. He was trying to forget the anger he felt towards she-who-must-not-be-named for taking away the playboy that he had sacrificed half the family fortune to get from the other-person-who-will-never-in-a-million-years-be-named... Then it occurred to him that he was an evil criminal genius constantly getting into some kind of trouble, he could get his own porn. THAT was when he joined the person whose name has a LOT of dash marks and who doesn't reveal her real name on the internet to strangle her living relatives that cheated him, of course, that's another story that I'll gladly write and post if anyone likes this even remotely because I'm crazy and bored and have run out of things to put on blinkie and I'm too critical about my web pages so few to none make it up on the web. Shall I add a few more typos before the fanfic's over???  
  
rubberbabybuggiebumperhowmuchwoodwouldawoodchuckchuckifawoodchuckcouldchuckwooddidanyonenoticeanimespelledbackwardslookslikeenema?  
  
(and it's tha honest truth)  
  
Now, you've read Artemis Fowl's life up to date, yes yes? Of course, you've never read about the evil racoon who lives in the wine cellar and plans world destruction ("where the kaboom?"), but don't worry because rookie the racoon makes a general appearance in the fun at wal mart chapter... Oh, I shouldn't've told ye that... (NO MORE TYPOS)  
  
Of course, Artemis Fowl, the all knowing and powerful genius who will one day become more popular than Jostie the mysterious mouse that no one knows about or cares about and that absolutely no one has ever heard of before, knows how to make thermite. Even if he didn't, thermite recipes are available in the anarchist's cookbook (such a novel for intellectuals by the way)!!!  
  
"Sage... Salt... Vinegar?" Artemis looked over at Butler. "Where'd we get this recipe again?"  
  
"Uh..." Butler looked at the front of the book. "Looney Tunes Acne Rocket - Recipes for Crazies. Graciously supplied by BUG BUNNY CARROTS FOR ALL CAMPAIGN. Copyright 97642990." Butler looked at the back of the book.  
  
"Oh, I should've known. Made in China." Artemis said as he glared over Butler's shoulder.  
  
(My brother has asked that I remove or at least point out that he is not a perv and does not receive playboy... Please note that I do this for the good of the fanfic and all who might even possibly wish to see a second chapter that I might not be able to write if I don't mention he's not a perv due to loss of life by unnamed problems such as being beaten to death with a flagpole. Thanks.)  
  
"Why are we making thermite?" Butler asked.  
  
(Artemis: *blink blink*)  
  
"STOP POINTING OUT PLOT HOLES!!!!!!" Artemis screamed. "I think I need some premsyn."  
  
"But Artemis, you're not a girl!"  
  
"OH, my head hurts!"  
  
*1st possible outcome of the wacky psycho babble*  
  
"Butler, I've learned my lesson. I only wish I could take it all back. Why? WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY??? WHY???"  
  
"Dude I can't feel my hands!" Butler said goofily as he swayed left and right, struggling to stay up.  
  
"THAT'S IT!!! I WANT CHOCOLATE!!!" Artemis exclaimed as he began to cry hysterically.  
  
(In a voice like that of Igor from the fourth Quest for Glory, even though we've never actually heard his voice "I feel your pain.")  
  
*2nd possible outcome of this mind-numbing drivel*  
  
"I'M LEAVING ON A JET PLANE!"  
  
"Arty, I've come to confess my undying love for you and you sing that song???" Holly gaped in horror.  
  
"DOUBT THAT I'LL BE BACK AGAIN!"  
  
"Oh ARTY! I'll follow you 'till the end of my days!" Holly said as she began to weep. The man/boy/guy/person (whatever) she loved was leaving. How would she ever stand this torment??? She grabbed his arm and began to glomp him. Artemis stared at her with wide eyes.  
  
"AHHHHHH!!! SHE'S TOUCHING ME!!! HELP!!!! GET IT OFF ME!! GET IT OFF ME!!! I'M GOING TO DIE!!!"  
  
*3rd possible outcome of this inane lunacy called... lit-er-at-u-re*  
  
"I never knew I could feel like this. She's so beautiful, so wonderful... She's so, so... so *breaks into song SHE'S SO HIGH ABOVE ME! SHE'S SO LOVELY!!!" Mulch stared and began to drool at the love of his life, Juliet Butler. How he longed to kiss those lips, make her laugh, make her smile, hold her hand, be there for her when she cried. She was his one, his only, his hope for the future.  
  
But, would she reject him?  
  
"Juliet?" Mulch began nervously.  
  
"DO I KNOW YOU???" Juliet stared at him funnily. (shoots typist)  
  
*4th and last possible outcome because readers have requested that I get back to the fanfic... at least they will*  
  
"I've never felt this way before. Angelina, you are the light of my life. You make everything seem wonderful when it seems I can't go on. Everytime I see you, my heart begins to beat faster and faster, and I'm forced to take nitro because of a heart problem when I'm around you. Everything you say sounds so shallow, and yet, I've never heard anything more unintellegible in my life. You light up a room, just by leaving it. You truely the most wonderful woman I have ever met. I'd do anything for you. I'd sing, I'd dance, I'd hop on one foot in a dress worth infinity amounts of money and screams 'AHHHH!!! A SPIDER!!!!'. You are my blessing, I could never live without you. You are my curse, you're unavoidable, I hardly know you, and I can't live without you. Oh, Angelina, if you would just give me a chance! Will you.... marry me?"  
  
"ANGELINA!! HOW COULD YOU???" Angelina's husband, Mr. Fowl, walked in to find the hairy Mulch proposing to his wife.  
  
"I SWEAR! I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT HIM! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIS NAME!!"  
  
"Angelina, but we've been secretly dating for the past minute and a half! How could you not know!"  
  
"I'M LEAVING YOU!" her husband yelled. He began to leave the room with Angelina chasing him, until Mulch yelled something.  
  
"WAIT!!!" he yelled. They stared at him.  
  
"I have to tell you something!" Angelina and her husband stared at him... waiting...  
  
"I'm pregnant with your child!"  
  
"NO!" Mr. Fowl exclaimed.  
  
"YES!"  
  
"Jessica, how could you?"  
  
"Paul, I can't help it!"  
  
"You will pay for this!"  
  
"Paul wait!"  
  
"No Jessica! You have betrayed me for the last time! I loved you!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
"Who're Paul and Jessica?" Mulch asked.  
  
"DO YOU MIND!!?!?!?! WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT HERE!!!" Angelina yelled.  
  
"YEAH!!!"  
  
Mulch stared on in wonder... Along with the audience.  
  
"Paul wait! There's something I MUST tell you!"  
  
"Jessica, I know you're not pregnant."  
  
"Paul, I have six months to live!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"Jessica, I never knew!"  
  
"Of course not, I only found out a second ago!"  
  
"Oh JESSICA!"  
  
"OH PAUL!!"  
  
"How could I have been so cruel?"  
  
"I don't know, how could you?"  
  
"OH JESSICA!!! MARRY ME!!"  
  
"WE'RE ALREADY MARRIED!"  
  
*thermite is 100% child safe - buy some thermite today!*  
  
"This is the day of reckoning! Today I will finally recover the family fortune and my quest to conquer the world will finally be COMPLETED!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!" young Artemis Fowl yelled. This was the last and final key to his reign of terror.   
  
"Arty-"  
  
"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU-"  
  
"Not to call you Arty. I'm sorry."  
  
"Remember next time Butler!"  
  
"What do we do with all this extra thermite?"  
  
(Artemis: *blink blink*)  
  
"Give it to the cat." Artemis replied with a shrug.  
  
"But it'll kill him!" Juliet shrieked.  
  
"No it won't! It'll just... um... Give him... gas!" Artemis lied quickly.  
  
"Igor, bring me the plans..." Master groaned from where he stood leaning over the skeletons. Tubes hung beside the body, flowing with liquids of red, blue, violet, and (algie?)... Electricity pulsed through metal coils.   
  
"Master, the plans!" Igor grunted, emphasizing each word in a guttural tone.  
  
"Peeerfect. I will now begin to restore the life within their empty skeletal bodies."  
  
*the next day (after I've had some sleep)*  
  
"What time is it???" Artemis said through a yawn.  
  
THUNK!  
  
Artemis looked over toward Butler. On the floor beside his passed out body was a little bottle. Artemis picked it up and read the label.  
  
"Prozac. Made with all natural vanilla extracts, concentrated vokda, and... pancakes...?"  
  
"I believe you have my stapler."  
  
*later on in the day (after Butler is awake and has stopped taking Prozac)*  
  
"Artemis, there's something wrong with the cat." Juliet said matter-of-factly.  
  
"Heh, lots of thing are wrong with that deluded little furball." Artemis said, brushing it off.  
  
"No, I mean, he's... sick." to put it lightly, finished Juliet in her head.  
  
"What could possibly have made the cat sick?" Artemis replied rolling his eyes.  
  
"Just a guess, but I think... it might've been... I mean it's possible.... Could it have been the thermite?" Juliet stuttered nervously.  
  
"YOU... YOU GAVE THE CAT THE THERMITE?!?!?!" Artemis shouted.  
  
"Well, that's what you told me to do!"  
  
"I WAS JOKING!!! BRING ME THE LITTLE NUSANCE TO HUMANITY ASAP!!!"  
  
Artemis could hear the death march begin to play in his head as Juliet walked slowly with her head down. His poor, poor kitten... How he would miss her! When he had time when he wasn't taking over the world and recovering the family fortune. Well, and when he wasn't playing with fire and electronic gizmos in his room...  
  
"Here she is." Juliet said. Artemis took one quick look at him/her before he knew the cause of death.  
  
"I'm afraid this cat has been... melted."  
  
"Nooo!"  
  
"YES!!"  
  
"Ohhhh!!" Juliet began to sob.  
  
"Oh Juliet!"  
  
"Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Ooops, sorry, wrong line. WHERE'S THE #$%$%^$%$ SCRIPT?!?!?!"  
  
"Butler, I've learned my lesson. I only wish I could take it all back. Why? WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY??? WHY???"  
  
"Dude I can't feel my hands!" Butler said goofily as he swayed left and right, struggling to stay up.  
  
"THAT'S IT!!! I WANT CHOCOLATE!!!" Artemis exclaimed as he began to cry hysterically.  
  
"Master, the bodies, THEY LIVE!!!"  
  
"Igor, fetch my totally kawaii cell phone. I must tell the world that if they do not surrender to me within the next six chapters, I will unleash my army of skeleton people who slightly resemble the guy from scream on the world."  
  
"Master!"  
  
"Wish me luck!!"  
  
"GODSPEED!!!"  
  
*****************  
  
LOOK OUT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER OF:  
  
ARTEMIS FOWL: I'VE LOST MY RUBBER DUCKIE!  
  
When Artemis Fowl's favorite rubber duckie goes missing, he discovers it is only one tragedy in series of events that will cause the world's economy to collapse as we know it! Artemis learns of Master's evil plot to rule the world as his voice is broadcasted over televisions and radios all over the world. But, is it really possible to revive the dead? Artemis uncovers the horrible truth as he discovers the thieves ruthlessly take all which he holds dear, his rubber duckie, his stuffed dragoon, and his fifty million dollar action-packed action figure of the all time favorite hero MAJOR GLORY!!! Not to mention his girlfriend... 


	2. Artemis Fowl: I've Lost My Rubber Duckie

Artemis Fowl: I've LOST MY RUBBER DUCKIE  
  
by scribblescribblescribblehelpmedribbledribbledribble  
  
(what the $%^$% kind of name is that?)  
  
(what d'ya care?)  
  
(*glares*)  
  
(a nonsensical one!)  
  
(*rolls eyes*)  
  
(you're just jealous cuz the voices talk to me!)  
  
BOOM BOOM AIN'T IT GREAT TO BE CRAZY?!?  
  
BOOM BOOM AIN'T IT GREAT TO BE NUTS!?!  
  
"OH ARTEMIS!! I've never felt this way before!" Molly Mouse the adorable imp, now known as Artemis Fowl's girlfriend, exclaimed. He was the love of her life.  
  
"Yeah, me neither." Artemis said glumly. Did he EVER agree to be Molly Mouse the adorable imp's delusional little boyfriend? To answer the question, yes in fact, he agreed when he signed his contract. As a matter of fact, his soul now officially belongs to me! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!   
  
*********  
  
The moment of reckoning had finally. He'd waited so very long for this, his chance, the one he'd dreamed about every single night for the longest time.  
  
"Master..." Igor yelled.  
  
"WHAT???" Master yelled lazily. He looked over at his alarm clock, 10:00 PM... It was too early for this.  
  
"We've just had another shipment!"  
  
"WHAT??? I DIDN'T ORDER ANOTHER SHIPMENT??"  
  
"What shall I do with it Master?"  
  
Master sighed and got out of bed. He walked out of his room and down the steps. He walked over to Igor, noticing the boxes. Something was wrong.... Something was horribly WRONG! He lifted the lid to one and...  
  
"WHAT THE %^&&&^$#$%&*&^@# DID THEY SEND ME PENGUIN SKELETONS FOR??? WHAT AM I S'PPOSED TO DO WITH THESE? KILL THE HERO OF THE FANFIC???" Master screamed. THIS WAS AN OUTRAGE!  
  
"Master, I don't believe there is a hero of this fanfic..."  
  
(O.O *blink blink*)  
  
"IGOR!!! IT'S TIME FOR THE BROADCAST! I CAN'T TAKE THIS INFANTILE WAITING ANY LONGER!"  
  
"Yes Master."  
  
"AND STAND UP STRAIGHT FOR ONCE!!! DITCH THE PHONEY ACCENT WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!!!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah." Igor said in reply as he straightened and talked normally for the first time in years. Walking over to the shelf by the wall, he picked up a shotgun and killed the typist. Luckily, the wonderful, hilarious, and oh so brilliant ( *dies laughing and comes back to life as a frog* "HOLY $%^%^% I'M GREEN!!!!" )  
  
*The Next Day*  
  
*Audience hears the Barney theme song being sung off-key from an unknown room in the Fowl residence*  
  
"I LOVE YOU!!! YOU LOVE ME!!!" Artemis sung happily. He loved bathes. But Artemis was picky, he'd always been picky. He wouldn't ever bathe without his lovable, cute, not to mention squishy, rubber duckie, whom he contentily called (Irving?)  
  
That was when everything happened. Artemis hadn't been sitting in the tub for more then six minutes, thirty-two seconds, fifty-on... *trails off* when suddenly...   
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Artemis screamed.  
  
"MASTER ARTEMIS!!" Juliet ran up the steps, into his room, and, without thinking, into his bathroom...  
  
(Juliet: O.O)  
  
(Artemis: O.O'')  
  
Juliet quickly looked away while Artemis grabbed a towel...  
  
(Juliet: O.O)  
  
"Come Juliet, we have no time to waste! A evil plan is in motion."  
  
"Uh Artemis?"  
  
"NO IT'S NOT ONE OF MINE!!! We must work quickly! Irving's life could depend upon it!"  
  
*IN THE MEANTIME*  
  
Butler sat playing with dolls in his bedroom. He had a wide selection of barbies, all fitted with top-of-the-line camouflage and semi-automatics. The table they all sat at was a typical table painted different shades of green. Butler's favorite tea set sat on the table.   
  
"Would you like some tea Mr. Paine?" Butler said, holding up the como. teapot.  
  
"MR. BUTLER!!!!" Artemis shouted from somewhere unknown. Butler jumped at the sound of his shouting... Now where did he put that barbie communicator??? Ah, yes! In the same place as his barbie dream car.  
  
"Yes Arty?"  
  
"BUTLER HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NO-"  
  
"Not to call you Arty... Yes Master Fowl?" Butler finished for Artemis, and then asked in a commando-like voice.  
  
"IRVING IS MISSING! AN EVIL PLOT IN UNDERWAY AND WE MUST PLAN A COUNTERATTACK!!"  
  
"And Miss Mouse sir?"  
  
"What do you mean 'and Miss Mouse'?"  
  
"The girl that you're dating, will she be present?"  
  
"...Miss Mouse? Hmm... I haven't seen her all morning. Maybe this is a stroke of luck! No Butler, I don't believe she will attend our meeting."  
  
"SIR YES SIR!!!"  
  
*In the Batcave*  
  
(Juliet: O.O)  
  
(Artemis: O.O)  
  
(Butler: O.O)  
  
(Audience: -.-)  
  
"You will surrender the earth! I will be ruler of the world, the galaxy, and the Lower Elements! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! If you do not name me leader within the next seventy-two (72) hours, I will unleash my evil undead army on you all! I wi-"  
  
"And the penguins too sir!"   
  
-.-'' "Yes, I will unleash my evil undead army of penguins and humans on the world should they choose not to accept me as leader! I wi-"  
  
"The deathray sir! The DEATHRAY!"  
  
..... "And I might just blow up a few cities.... I wi- You're not going to interupt me again? No, okay! I WILL HAVE MY VICTORY!!!"  
  
Artemis went to turn off the tv.  
  
"AND YOU ARTEMIS FOWL THE SECOND!! DO NOT DARE DISRUPT MY EVIL, BAD PLANS!!! OR I WILL BE FORCED TO HURT MOLLY MOUSE THE ADORABLE IMP!"  
  
(Artemis: ^__________^)  
  
"Not to mention Irving."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
"Artemis, what will we do?" Juliet asked.  
  
"We must form a- uh... we must form.... darn it, what's that thing called?" Artemis looked expectantly toward Butler.  
  
"What thing?"  
  
"The thing! You know, the thing with all the action and all the other things?"  
  
"A plan sir?"  
  
"YES!!! WE MUST FORMULATE A PLOT!!"  
  
"Plan sir!"  
  
"PLAN!"  
  
*Rescue Irving Take 1*  
  
"We will dig our way under the basement of his lab using spoons, come up underneath his factory of the evil undead armies of penguins, and blow up the earth!"  
  
(Butler and Juliet: O.O'')  
  
"Uh Artemis?"  
  
After a long day of planning rescue attempts, our Artemis loves to sleep. His favorite action-packed action figure MAJOR GLORY!!!! is always by his bed. But this will turn out to be just one of the great unjustices known to man as our hero will discover...  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
"MASTER ARTEMIS!!!" Juliet ran in...  
  
(Juliet: O.O)  
  
"Nice pajamas... Master Artemis... Is.. is that uh... are those.... furbies and carebears?"  
  
(Artemis: O.O)  
  
*In the Master's Lair*  
  
"MWAHAHAHAHA!!! There is no one who can stop me now! NOT EVEN ARTEMIS FOWL!!!"  
  
"Isn't Artemis a girl's name?" Igor asked stupidly...  
  
"I take the fifth."  
  
*and now we must honor the glorious tradition set down by our forefathers from the days of old!*  
  
*what days of old might those be?*  
  
* -.- 1st possible outcome of this psychotic, useless, but (humorous?) fanfic*  
  
"For a while now, every time I go by the cemetery, I've been feeling as though I were apartment hunting." Butler confided in Artemis.  
  
Artemis looked over at the man he had known since the day he was born. Artemis had had each and every birthday with Butler. He had learned to walk with Butler. He had learned about the birds and....  
  
"I don't know what to do Artemis. I love her."  
  
(Artemis: O.o)  
  
"What were we talking about again???"  
  
(Butler: -.-'')  
  
*I refuse to write the next possible outcome due to the fact that I must now leave to read "The Rubber Duckie - A Look Into the Inner workings of the Duckie Psychie!!!*  
  
...Now, Artemis Fowl sits with a black rob on in his study...  
  
"My stuffed dragoon! MY STUFFED DRAGOON IS MISSING!!"  
  
"What's a dragoon?" Juliet asked.  
  
"What's a dragoon? WHAT'S A DRAGOON? WHAT DO YOU THINK A DRAGOON IS? ...." Artemis shouted. He turned to Butler.  
  
"What is a dragoon?" he asked.  
  
"It's a purple spotted dinosaur."  
  
"Yeah Juliet, it's a pur- ...IT IS NOT A PURPLE SPOTTED DINOSAUR!" Artemis shouted. He ignored Juliet and Butler's laughing and sweatdropped. (Artemis: -_-'')  
  
"I MUST REFER TO ALL-KNOWING AND POWERFUL GAME - STARCRAFT!!!" Artemis shouted.  
  
(by the way, the best game I've ever played... I'm a starcraft junkie)  
  
*two days later*  
  
"AT LAST!!! THIS IS A DRAGOON!!" he said as he pointed at his very kawaii (cool) computer screen.  
  
"Oh, it's a big mechanical thing!" Juliet said.  
  
"Yeah, it's a big mec-.... why do I even bother???"  
  
Now, because I'm done waiting for the right....  
  
"HELP!!!!!!!!"  
  
"No way, I'm not going up there.... If I walk in on Artemis again, he'll probably take it out of my paycheck!"  
  
(authoress: -.-)  
  
"AHHHHHH!!! I'M DYING.... CAN'T BREATH!!!"  
  
"....Master Artemis...." Juliet said dryly as she walked slowly up the stairs.  
  
"AHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
Juliet slowly opened the door and looked in.  
  
"OH MY GOSH!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" she screamed.  
  
"JULIET!! MASTER ARTEMIS!! I'M COMING!!!" Butler shouted as he ran out of his teaparty in his favorite G.I. Joe outfit. He ran down the hall, up thr stairs, through another hall, down some stairs, into a corner... oh wait...  
  
He ran and opened the door to Artemis's room, hearing the horrified screams... Oddly enough, when he walked in, Juliet was staring over Artemis's shoulder squealing. He walked in to find Artemis playing DXball....?  
  
"Artemis, that's such a great score!!! To think you almost lost!!!"  
  
"Yes, it is quite an achievement."  
  
(Butler: *sweatdrops and falls backwards anime style* O.O'')  
  
Butler turned to leave when he noticed something unusual.  
  
"Artemis, where did your Major Glory action figure go?"  
  
CRASH!!! KABOOM!!! Artemis's world suddenly fell to pieces... He lay down dead on the floor....  
  
"It's over.... the last straw... the thieves, they stole my favorite action-packed action figure of Major Glory. My reign of terror, my quest for the family fortune, my whole world, crumbling....." Artemis started to cry...   
  
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! EVERYTHING'S GOING JUST AS WE PLANNED!!! IN THE NEXT FEW CHAPTERS I WILL BE DEEMED RULER OF EARTH!!! If not, we'll kill the authoress..." Master said as he pointed to the girl tied up in the corner... What would the authoress do? She's completely helpless!!   
  
(Authoress: I will sick my brothers on you foul fiend!!)  
  
"Master - prepare to meet your doom!" Artemis Fowl the second said as he popped out of nowhere....  
  
"Ah, I see you've found my lair! You'll undoubtedly be trying to rescue Irving, Duggie, and Major Glory, no doubt..."  
  
"YES! I AM!!"  
  
"And, your girlfriend?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Molly Mouse."  
  
"Oh, no! You can keep her."  
  
"Oh, why thank you!"  
  
"No problem!"  
  
Artemis heard a scoff from behind Master.  
  
"Oh darn it! I guess I'll have to rescue the authoress too."  
  
Artemis heard a growling noise...  
  
"Okay, hand 'em all over!"  
  
"Not so fast Artemis. You want them back, you'll have to fight for them. I have a little surprise for you...  
  
Something behind Master moved into the light. It was so small it took Artemis's eyes a minute to focus (stupid contacts!)... It was... HIS MAJOR GLORY ACTION FIGURE!!!  
  
"Practice good hygiene. You have great taste. Look at my muscles."  
  
"HUH?" Artemis asked.  
  
"He's threatening you. It's just that it's the only thing he's programmed to say." Master explained.  
  
Artemis face off against Major Glory. Artemis figured it couldn't be too hard, after all, Major Glory was less than a foot tall! Boy, he didn't know what he was getting into.....  
  
*******************************************************  
  
Look out for the next chapter of  
  
Artemis Fowl: Crusade of the Penguins and Major Glory's Revenge  
  
Artemis is now in the clutches of Master's evil plan to rule the world. But now he must face off against his faithful action figure Major Glory! And what's this claim of Major Glory's about revenge for all those tea parties??? Will the authoress make it out alive???? Will Juliet find the meaning of life? oh, and why is Butler marrying the dead cat??? Find out in the next psychotic episode of 'The Young and the Brainless" 


	3. Artemis Fowl: Crusade of the Penguins

Okay, here's the next chapter!! I'm so happy people like this... hehe, I'd forgotten that in the books, Artemis beating chess champions I mean. My older brother is famous for never wearing a white shirt, or a tie... They got him into a white shirt, but he blew his nose on the tie. So I now have a looney tunes tie all for myself, whenever we wash it anyway!! ^____^  
  
Artemis Fowl: Crusade of the Penguins and Major Glory's Revenge  
  
by psychotic cat catalyst  
  
(mental error 404 - brain not found)  
  
If life gives you lemons, throw them at people!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Butler sat in his favorite car, a cherry red bug. He listened to the situation over headphones... well, in between watching Barney and the Teletubies face off in a wrestling match.   
  
"Okay, what'd I miss!?!?!" Juliet asked quickly, getting into the car and staring into the small television. They had been doing sweeps of the area outside Master's mansion in Beverly Hills.  
  
"Barney lost, but he's challenged Tinkle Winkle to a rematch. Tinkle's given him the chair. They had to stop twice because two of the others, who were drunk and smoking, joined in the fight and began to strangle Barney. Oh, and the HamHams have been squashed."  
  
(For those who don't know: HamHams are from the kiddie anime show Hamtaro. No offense meant to any of the fans of Hamtaro - and while I love hate mail, I'm not in the mood to be cussed out just because I killed a bunch of stupid little hamsters who are just cartoons characters, so chill)  
  
And so, there sat Juliet and Butler watching Barney get the crap kicked out of him by the teletubies, eating popcorn, and occasionally listening to Artemis's attempts to get inside the Master's totally *kawaii mansion. That is, until something very suddenly made itself present to the adreneline driven siblings.   
  
THUNK!!! THUNK!!! THUNK!!!  
  
Juliet looked over at the source of sound. She looked at the back window to see the most grotesque and disgusting thing she'd seen in her entire life - and she'd spent three years in U.S. studying politics! When she looked back, she saw an adorable little puppy. Of course, that's not what scared her. What scared her was the skeleton the puppy was running away from. Skeletons had surrounded the car, and were now pushing it back and forth and pounding the windows, hoping to break in. Unfortunately for the skeletons, they kept losing fingers and random bones inside the car.  
  
Juliet screamed as one of the hands that had fallen off one of the skeletons crawled it's way up her leg. Apparently, losing hands and such wasn't a total loss for the skeletons, the bones could still move.   
  
"THAT'S IT!!!" Juliet screeched. Butler could literally hear a snapping sound coming from his sister. Of course, that could always have been the head she just ripped off one of the skeletons. Speaking of heads, it was now trying to bite Butler. Butler caught it and pulled it away with his right shoe in it's mouth. Apparently the skeleton had a foot fettish.  
  
Juliet disappeared into the back seat for a moment before returning with a gun - a top-of-the-line uzi painted pink... with flowers, skulls, and cross-bones. She quickly loaded it, and then she pulled the trigger. While the ammo didn't kill the evil undead monsters, Master's bloody creation being used to take over the world, it delayed them. They stumbled backwards on top of each other. Butler started the car. The siblings then began a long, EXTREMELY fun, and incredibly cool version of demolition derby. Until they got bored and decided to go into Master's mansion for a highly caffinated beverage. They walked up the steps and in through the front door.  
  
*********  
  
Artemis looked at his favorite toy in the whole world - his faithul action-packed action figure of the all time favorite hero (DA-DA-DA-DA!!!) MAAAAAAJOR GLORY!!!   
  
"Practice good hygene. You have good taste. Look at my muscles."  
  
Your *cough*favorite*cough* authoress, still being held hostage, sat filing her nails. She then took out her favorite nail polish - metallic purple with little pink sparkles! Slowly, she began to apply the nail polish and Artemis grew dizzy from the stench. That's when Major Glory decided to make his move.  
  
POW!! THUNK!! SMASH!!  
  
Artemis was thrown across the room like a ragdoll.   
  
"WOULD YOU... AHHH!!! PUT.. OH #$%^$#!!! THAT STUFF AWAY!!!" Artemis yelled as he tried to dodge his action figures kicks and punches.  
  
"What?" she asked, looking up. "Oh, sorry!" she replied. Always to happy to help!!! (MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)  
  
Artemis began to fight back. He punched, he dodged left, he kicked! OH MY GOSH!!! MAJOR GLORY CRUMBLES AT HIS FEET!!! ARTEMIS FOWL HAS WON THE MATCH!!! YES!!! YAHOO!!! Ahem... sorry about that...  
  
"I'm sorry, but I did what a must."  
  
(Artemis: O.O'' "Did I have to say that?")  
  
Master, seeing his plan failing, began to run away.  
  
**********  
  
...waddle waddle waddle.... waddle waddle waddle... waddle waddle waddle...  
  
An army of undead penguins waddled along the road, demolishing everything in their path. They stopped momentarily. Turning to each other, they began to discuss their next course of action.  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "This will be our kingdom.")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "This will be our earth.")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "We will destroy the terran infestation.")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "We will take back what is rightfully ours.")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "We will begin with all the major cities.")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "Hold on, I have a bird caught in my rib cage.")  
  
(Authoress: O.O "AWWW!! THEY'RE SO CUTE!! I WANT ONE!!")  
  
********  
  
Artemis walked over to the authoress to see if she was okay.  
  
"MY HERO!!!!" authoress said happily. She was just about to glomp him when suddenly.... THUNK!!! a house fell on her. Artemis reached down and pulled off the ruby red sparkling slippers. As he pulled them off, the house, including the authoress, disappeared in a puff of smoke and a very loud POP!   
  
Shrugging it off, Artemis walked through the door that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He soon found himself walking down a yellow brick road.  
  
*******  
  
...waddle waddle waddle.... POUND! THUNK!! SMASH!!! waddle waddle waddle.... CRASH! SMASH!! THUNK!!! waddle waddle waddle...  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "This is the truth of our power.")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "We will turn the earth into a frozen wonderland.")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "Undead penguins every where will be able to roam freely."  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "We represent the lollipop guild.")  
  
"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"  
  
(Translator: "Now, let's go kill these $%^^%#%^&^!!!!")  
  
*******  
  
"What are you doing?" Butler asked his baby sister, the lovely Juliet.  
  
"I must leave on a quest to find the meaning of life." Juliet answered in monotone.  
  
"But we have to rescue Artemis." Butler pleaded.  
  
"I must leave on a quest to find the meaning of life." Juliet said in monotone again. She looked at Butler.  
  
"I know how much you miss Kylala. I know the two of you were betrothed. Marry her brother. Marry her before it's too late."  
  
"Uh, Juliet... Kylala, my favorite little kitten of fluffy goodness, is dead. She's very fluffy and cute, but she VERY dead."  
  
"Marry her Butler. You MUST marry her. The future of the world depends on it."  
  
"What?"  
  
Juliet opened a book and began to read.  
  
"And behold, the world will be in darkness. Armies of the undead will roam the terran lands. This will be the end of the world. Until one rises. He will be a genuis, and will have one with him who knows the meaning of life, and one who is married to the dead cat.... So it is said, so must it be.... in accordance with prophesy." Juliet read in monotone.  
  
"So you see, you're in love with the dead cat, you have to marry her. Artemis is the genuis. And I, I am the one who must know the meaning of life to stop the endless cycle of terror being brought on the world by the undead armies. My quest will not be easy, for I will constantly be hunted by undead penguin armies who will seek to destroy me. But I cannot let them."  
  
Butler stared at his younger sister. Slowly, he picked up the phone and began to dial the number for the doctor. It appeared that Juliet seemed to have forgotten her medication.  
  
***********  
  
Kylala jumped from her grave. Yes, her body had been melted, but it came together all at once... and because of the power of the script. Kylala, you can thank me later... People are gonna think I'm crazy... I tell you, this cat popped out of nowhere and threatened to scratch me to death if she and Butler didn't end up together.... I don't get paid enough for this.  
  
*********  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
Artemis stared in wonder. Thousands of undead penguins had suddenly begun waddling at him when he reached the end of the yellow brick road. Oh wait, I forgot to turn the translator on... Say that again Mr. Leader of the Penguins!  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "We welcome you to Penguin land. We come in peace. Do not fear, we are your friends.")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "We will now keep you as the only remianing terran because you are the most intellegent, and we will destroy the earth.")  
  
(Artemis: o.O)  
  
**************  
  
Juliet walked through the dying lands of Oz. The teal sky thundered and groaned. Rain slowly began to fall. Juliet began to sing a song of old:  
  
"DOES YOUR CHEWING GUM LOSE IT'S FLAVOR ON THE BEST POST AT NIGHT?  
  
WHEN YOUR MOM TELLS YOU TO SPIT IT OUT DO YOU SWALLOW IT IN SPITE?"  
  
....okay, maybe not so old.... But the Irish Rovers were one of Juliet's favorite bands.... (They make some of the best music on the planet by the way)  
  
She sat on the grass, taking a break from walking. She didn't know how she was going to find this meaning of life. She only knew that the world's fate depended on her finding this 'meaning of life'.  
  
*********  
  
"I do."  
  
"Kylala, do you take this human to be your husband???"  
  
(Priest: O.O the bride is a cat... a... cat...)  
  
"I do..."  
  
"Then I now pronounce you, husband and.... cat...."  
  
******************************************  
  
Look out for the next chapter of Artemis Fowl: Lollipops, Penguins, and Holly Short -  
  
Holly Short finally makes her appearance. Of course, she would've liked to do it when the Lower Elements weren't in total chaos. As the time shortens, Juliet struggles to understand the teachings of Great Teacher Largo and his ultimate L337N355... Meanwhile, Butler and Kylala share a joy filled honeymoon in the underworld. Why is Holly a princess in this new land of oz? And why are she and Artemis betrothed? AND WHO TOOK MY OTHER SHOE!!! 


	4. Artemis Fowl: Lollipops, Penguins, and H...

Artemis Fowl: Lollipops, Penguins, and Holly Short  
  
by out-to-lunch  
  
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing...  
  
Holly Short walked through the main buidling for the Lower Elements Police. She was trying to ignore the incoming gouls and villans who were under arrest. The LEP had been in total chaos. Two buildings had been blown up by goblins, three banks had been robbed, and that was considered a normal day on the job. In the past twelve weeks thirty-two people were arrested for protesting. It appeared that Artemis Fowl's situations had made it to the public.   
  
What had seemed like a nice, peaceful vacation had become a fight for sanity as Holly tried to dodge the press and do her job. Grub kept getting hang nails, Trouble was living up to his reputation fortunately... That left only one thing out of recent events - the munchkin rebellion. Oh, and Mulch met a nice Goblin friend. Apparently, they broke out of jail together and are chilling somehwere in the bahamas.   
  
The goblin who Mulch broke out with had been identified as Izzy something-or-other. Quite an unusual name for goblin, and Holly should know. She'd been around goblins for a LONG time. Holly had read her file. Izzy something-or-other had been arrested for setting fire to a building which turned out to house her old mob who turned against her the first time she was caught by the LEP.... for robbery. Why are goblins always the bad guys???  
  
*******  
  
In the meantime, in another place, Artemis Fowl was trying to talk some sense into these undead penguins, the new residents of munchkin land. You could tell they were the new residents by the huge deathray they carted around everywhere they went.   
  
"BUT YOU CAN'T JUST DESTROY THE HUMAN RACE!!!"  
  
(Waddle: "Waddle waddle waddle. Waddle.")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle. Waddle waddle waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "Why not?")  
  
"Because! We provide food for you!"  
  
(Waddle: "Waddle waddle waddle.")  
  
Artemis had not meant what the penguins thought he meant... Artemis had meant fish. Unfortunately, the penguins had gotten the idea that Artemis meant eating the humans.  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "They do seem to have a lot of meat.")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle."  
  
(Translator: "Yes, yes. But they need salt.")  
  
"Waddle waddle WADDLE!!!" one of the penguins in the back of the group spoke.  
  
(Translator: "We cannot eat the humans! THINK OF THE CALORIES!!")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle." all the penguins agreed...  
  
"Waddle.... Waddle waddle waddle....?"  
  
(Translator: "But.... Might they taste good fried.")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle." all the penguins agreed.  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle!" another penguin spoke.  
  
(Translator: "NO!! We should bake them!")  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle." some of the penguins said.  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle." other penguins said. Just then another spoke, perhaps the cutest and sweetest of them all!!  
  
"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!! WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE?"  
  
(Translator: "WE CANNOT EAT THE HUMANS! WHAT ABOUT OUR HUMANITY???")  
  
"......." And there was silence among the undead penguins of earth.  
  
(Moments upon moments of silence among penguins: "........")  
  
"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"  
  
(Translator: "Fry them!")  
  
"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!"  
  
(Translator: "BAKE THEM!")  
  
"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"  
  
(Translator: "FRY THEM!!")  
  
"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!"  
  
(Translator: "BAKE THEM!")  
  
"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"  
  
(Translator: "FRY THEM!!")  
  
"Waddle waddle.... waddle....?" spoke one of the smallest penguins....  
  
(Translator: "What if we boil them in soy sauce?")  
  
........"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"  
  
(Translator: "Indeed, the small one is wise! Let us boil them in soy sauce!")  
  
(Artemis: O.O *slaps hand to forehead*)  
  
*************************  
  
Butler and Kylala sat in the hotel room they had rented for the duration of their honeymoon. It was the best room in all the underworld. It had the greatest view of the swamps of heck, the mountains of fire, and of course, it was THE spot for underworld vacations. Practically fifty-thousand zombies, skeletons, and all things dead and disgusting. Kylala currently fit that category, just don't say it to her face. Of course, Kylala had to call in a few favors to get this perfect oasis. In other words, she went around threatening to claw people to death... mainly the authoress.  
  
Never the less, Butler had never been more happy. Of course, there was the stench problem. So many undead and evil monsters, there would be a stench problem. It was also a little too hot for Butler's taste. He wasn't exactly a fan of trudging up fire mountains. And even though the BEST place in the underworld to swim was the swamps of heck, he didn't enjoy swimming in a swamp made of acid where dead fish roamed free. Coincidently, it was also fishy heck, so every one in a while you'd see a catfish devour some small goldfish, or perhaps even a fighter fish.  
  
Sighing, Butler shrugged. He might as well make the most of it. After all, he was here with his brand new kittie wife, and that was all he cared about.  
  
**********************  
  
You can probably guess that Juliet wished that she was having the same good luck as Butler. She was now in Japan's land of Oz. She had even been called an emmisery of the undead of one known as 'Great Teacher Largo'.... She was an anime and manga fan.... Now where did that name sound familiar. He had been following with his friend who was called 'Piro'. Juliet had guess Piro was the smart one... But she just couldn't help her feelings for Largo, he reminded Juliet so much of herself! ...When he wasn't following her with a bunch of sharpened pencils and saying 'B3|-|0LD |\/|Y L337N355! J00 W1LL D13 L34D3R 0F T3|-| UND34D!"  
  
"WILL YOU BUZZ OFF YOU PSYCHO!!!" Juliet shouted. She didn't have time for this. She HAD to find the meaning of life. And what was this L337N355??? How do you even pronounce that?? (LEETNESS!!! for further reference see http://www.megatokyo.com/ )  
  
"1 W1LL CUR3 T3|-| W0RLD 0F 7|-|0S3 L1K3 J00!!! B3|-|0LD |\/|Y M4G1C4L L337N355!!" ...that made Juliet stop in her tracks... She looked expectantly at the authoress...  
  
(I will cure the world of your kind. I know the meaning of life...'Behold my magical leetness')  
  
"You can teach me the meaning of life?" Juliet said happily. She turned around and looked Great Teacher Largo in the eyes.  
  
"17 W1LL B3 |-|4RD. 1 W1LL 734C|-| J00 |\/|Y B357!!" Largo replied... Darn, she was |-|07!  
  
"Yes!!" Juliet shouted happily. Largo observed her. He knew the first thing that had to change.....  
  
***********  
  
Mulch looked at Izzy, his one TRUE love... Then the authoress skipped this 'cuz she thought it was WAY TOO sappy...  
  
*************************  
  
"HOLLY!!! YOU'RE LATE!!!" Julius yelled.  
  
Holly looked toward Julius. It appeared as though he was having coniptions. His eye was twitching, and a HUGE vain was making itself apparent at the top of his forehead... Holly had the sudden urge to sweatdrop.   
  
"I got stuck in traffic." Holly replied in apology. Man, this sucked.  
  
"WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO DISCUSS WEATHER!!!! FOALY!! GET OVER HERE!!!" Salad yelled.  
  
Foaly the Centaur, now the rave of the Lower Elements, popped up out of thin air. His sense of style and his four legs were now hip and chic. They were the hottest thing in the Lower Elements... making Foaly undeniably 'cool'.   
  
"Something's up with Artemis Fowl."  
  
"WHAT???" Holly nearly screamed. Foaly rolled his eyes.  
  
"Strange things are afoot at the circle k."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
"Nice set of lungs...." Foaly complained... Holly cleared her throat while mumbling a small sorry...  
  
"First, Artemis Fowl's favorite rubber duckie with squeaking goodness and yellowie cuteness, affectionately called Irving, is missing. Then we discover the disappearance of his favorite action figure, MAJOR GLORY!!! The authoress was kidnapped, the cat died, AND his favorite stuffed dragoon is missing..."  
  
"What about his girlfriend?" Holly gaped.  
  
"His girlfriend? OH! She's gone missing too." Foaly added in.  
  
"Your mission is to find Artemis Fowl, who has himself gone missing. Find him, bring him back here. He has gone to the land of.... OZ!!!!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
And so, Holly embarked on her adventure to the strange and wonderous land of Oz. Following the yellow brick road, she soon came to a stop. This was Munchkin land!!! It was destroyed!!! And now where it stood were undead penguins with a HUGE deathray. Not to mention Artemis Fowl. Was Artemis the cause of this tragedy?  
  
The penguins looked her over... Whistling and other sounds then came also...  
  
"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"  
  
Artemis and Holly looked at each other. She looked so familiar to Artemis. She was blond, small, with really short hair. But then, she was also very gorgeous.   
  
"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!!"  
  
Artemis looked to the penguins and then authoress...  
  
(Translator: "She is pretty. Is she compatible?")  
  
(Translator: "YES! SHE WILL MATE WITH THE HUMAN ONE!!")  
  
Artemis and Holly stared at each other.... Oh boy....  
  
************************  
  
Juliet studied Great Teacher Largo carefully, learning all his secrets. She must have this 'L337N355', she must know the meaning of life. She was on a great step in the journey of life. She was struggling to understand Great Teacher Largo's important teachings, she must know the meaning of life. She was currently at the local arcade, beating the crap out of some loser at Dead or Alive. Largo stood back, observing her. Yep, she was doing well.  
  
POW!!! CRASH!!! POUND!!! ....and Juliet won....  
  
"J00 |-|4V3 C0|\/|PL373D 73|-| F1R57 P|-|453 0F J00'R3 7R41N1NG!" Largo told her.  
  
(You are doing well, young one. But this is just the first step in your journey.)  
  
"7|-|4NK J00 GR347 734C|-|3R L4RG0!!!"  
  
(Yes, thank you Master.)  
  
(Authoress: o.O I'm really messed up in the head)  
  
*************************  
  
And so there stood Captain Holly Short trying to get out of this whole.... mating... thing.... She was completely surrounded, there was no way out. Penguins blocked every side, each with a dangerous glint in their eyes. Oh, Artemis was trying to get out of it too.  
  
"But... But I CAN'T end up with Artemis Fowl! I'm... uh..." Holly stopped midsentence... "Engadged..."  
  
Artemis looked toward Holly.  
  
"Engadged? TO WHO?" Artemis asked suddenly. HA! Holly? Engadged? ...wait a second... why should he care?  
  
"To, uh.... to.... Ro- no.... F-no........ K- Trouble KELP!!!" Holly shouted. For a moment she couldn't think of anyone who wouldn't find out... but then, Trouble Kelp most likely wouldn't been appearing in this fanfic... or, would he? The penguins GLARED at the kawaii authoress. Oh, yeah... *scratches head sheepishly* sorry 'bout that...  
  
And so the penguins looked at each other. Engadged? To Trouble Kelp? Well, this DID present a problem!  
  
"Waddle waddle waddle?" the head penguin asked.  
  
(Translator: "So then, how will the authoress her out of this one???")  
  
"WADDLE WADDLE WADDLE!!"  
  
(Translator: "WEDDING!!!! B33R!!!")  
  
The penguin began to sway left and right, so obviously intoxicated.... among OTHER things....  
  
Meanwhile the authoress dropped the fanfic to get to her oh-so-important history exam. Until she was lynched was brought back to life as a frog - and have you noticed how green things have been lately? Wow, amazing how I've led you off topic! Anyway, after the angry mob of reviewers lynched the authoress, who was reborn as a frog and is chasing darling Iga from Shaolin Sisters, they threw a shoe at her and she deicded perhaps she should get back to the lunacy she creates during math and psych! Where was I? Oh, yeah...  
  
And so cheers were heard from the crowd. Ruthless evil undead penguins were jumping up and down shouting and waddling the words 'wedding! b33r! wedding! b33r! wedding! b33r! goopy balls!'  
  
|* |.|* | | *|.| *| | * |.| * | *blink blink*  
  
(Artemis: *looks at kalin*)   
  
(A/N a.k.a. kalin, my new nickname: "IT WASN'T ME!!! DEMITRIOUS! MY EVIL WING-ED MUSE WHO LOOKS A LOT LIKE ASMODEUS FROM MEGATOKYO DID IT!")  
  
(dEmItrIous: *grin evilly*)  
  
****************************************  
  
The underworld was in total chaos! The evil undead man-eating zombies who worked at the dry-cleaners were rebelling. That evil cat who married Butler is currently threatening to claw kalin's eyes out, while Demitrious began his rampage, taking over kalin's fanfic entirely.  
  
"You know, this honeymoon thing's not very fun anymore. Wanna go egg some live people's cars?" kitty asked. Butler looked at her.  
  
"I think we need to go back - something bad's happening above... I think Arty's in trouble." Butler said.  
  
"What? You mean like some truely evil being threatening to destroy man-kind? Are we talking about Master or those really ugly penguin dudes?"  
  
"How'd you know about the evil?"  
  
"I didn't, but that's always the story."  
  
*******************************  
  
*screen goes blank*  
  
*REALLY cute chibi face appears*  
  
"I am Demitrious!" *Demitrious' eyes begin to swirl* "You are getting sleepy. You will announce me leader of the world! I am your GOD! YOU WILL BOW BEFORE ME MORTALS! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH-" *continues with the yaking and blah blah blahs* "AND UNTIL YOU ELECT ME LEADER OF THE UNIVERSE, I WILL DESTROY THE PREVIEW OF EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER TO COME! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" *ducks as the audience throws crap at him*  
  
Kalin: note to self, rip Demitrious' wings off. 


End file.
